Interview with a Sex Mentor
C.J. Asher is a blogger on various subject matters and trending topics related to sexuality, such as prostitution, women’s rights, sex trafficking and LGBT issues as well as the adult entertainment industry, having interviewed celebrities such as Moonlite Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof and Joanna Angel, adult film star and the owner of BurningAngel.com. C.J. is also an author and has just released his debut novel, Quarter Past Midnight, about a young woman whose job as an exotic dancer unexpectedly leads her into the sordid world of a high-end escort service.
C.J. currently resides in Philadelphia, PA and his blog can be found at CJAsher.com.
C.J. Asher Interviews Sensual Masseur Colin
Colin is a professional sex mentor and sensual masseur based out of the United Kingdom. Since 2005, his website, Massage33, has been promoting and offering sensual massages to men, women and couples. Over the past ten years and after further formal training in Sex Therapy, Neuro Linguistic Programming and Imago Relationship Therapy, Colin has expanded his services to include personalized treatments, sex mentoring, couples relationship support, public speaking and even group events for men, women and couples.
C.J. Asher – Tell me a little about yourself… your age, education and where you’re from.
Colin – I am fifty five years old. I was privately educated in United Kingdom preparatory and public schools and studied Hotel Management at University. I was born in London to an upper middle class family; I was the youngest of four with three much older sisters. My parents moved to Devon when I was two years old in order to buy a 130-bed hotel where I grew up on a remote cliff top ten miles from the nearest town. After University, I took over as Managing Director of the family hotel and ran it from when I was twenty two until I was forty. I met my wife in 1986 and was married for seventeen years, during which time I had five children, until my divorce in 2004 and for 5 years explored my sexuality with other men but I’m comfortably bisexual now and in a relationship with female partner but, within my career, I work with men, women and couples of all sexualities.
C.J. Asher – Tell me about your interest in studying human sexuality.
Colin – I’m fascinated by human sexuality. I think sex and sexual intimacy is an incredibly important part of life, but for many people, sex and sexuality are things that just happen. But when we don’t work at understanding and improving our sexual selves or our partners, a sense of unhappiness or lack of fulfillment can affect our broader sense of self. I’ve made it my calling to teach people how to achieve better physiological and emotional sexual fulfillment within relationships. By improving sexual skills and incorporating more intimacy and better communication into our relationships we not only make the whole experience more satisfying but also enhance our own sense of self. I work particularly with aspects of male sexuality and male and female sexual fulfillment. I speak about and lead workshops on sex and sexuality and sensual massage and I help single men, single women and couples of all sexualities on improving intimacy and sexual connection. I also offer personal and professional teaching to singles and couples and groups in psycho-sensual and sensual massage as a practical tool to increase confidence and enhance foreplay and intimate love-making.
C.J. Asher – How does sensual massage differ from a standard massage that a masseur or masseuse at a spa would offer?
Colin – The primary difference is that it embraces intimacy and arousal as a part of the massage treating this natural human function as part of the massage, not just as a pleasurable addition but as an emotional and physiological treatment promoting high level of oxytocin that ensures that the receiver benefits from the total relaxation and intimate connection (we are tribal animals and designed to bond with others of our species) and following orgasm the promotion of prolactin that enhances total respite, particularly in men. For men, it also allows them an environment to explore male to male intimacy without it becoming overtly sexual. Fifty percent of my male clients define themselves publicly and happily as heterosexual, but still enjoy male to male intimacy. I also help men with erection and sexual anxiety problems and the massage provides as real a situation, so the actual dynamic can be observed and diagnosed and techniques put into practice. Increasingly, I am seeing more and more female clients, who come to see me for a variety of reasons such as:
– Women who enjoy regular massage and to have their muscles worked professionally but who also want to experience intimate arousing touch in order to connect with the deeper primal sensual part of themselves.
– Women who want to enjoy the firm yet tender touch of a man without the need to perform or give back sexually.
– Women who know that arousal and ultimate orgasm can also be enjoyed through gentle prolonged intimate touch rather than penetrative intercourse.
– Women who believe that it is right to be able to experience arousal and orgasm without commitment and responsibilities of a relationship.
Also, I have as clients many women from backgrounds that are more restricted through cultural rules or religious beliefs and whose sex lives have been unfulfilled and who can’t explore sensuality socially outside their situation. What I provide gives discretion and safety, but also the space to explore and let go as much as they want without being judged. Couples are quite diverse, but the most common experience is the husband or boyfriend who wants their female partner to receive a sensual massage and either watch or give with me. I see this as more an acknowledgement that the male partner feels he can’t fully fulfill his female partner and that she has expressed this fantasy, which is actually quite natural for women to want attention by multiple males. I also see couples who want to expand their sex lives so they come to me to learn better foreplay through massage and discuss the areas they can explore together.
C.J. Asher – What are some of the common misconceptions that people have about the work that you do?
Colin – That clients come to me just for the sexual thrill or that I am just an escort. Why would anyone want to talk about, deal with, or explore their sex life? Mostly when I speak with people for the first time, they are fascinated and often take the opportunity to tell me stuff they want to talk about without feeling judged. Sometimes in the most public of places such as dinner parties, on the train and even in shops and cafes!
C.J. Asher – What other services do you provide besides massage and counseling? I see on your website that you help clients set up their own sensual and erotic-themed events…?
Colin – Yes, I run private workshops, and group events as well as public speaking on sex and sexuality. A group workshop is designed to be primarily educational and, depending on the topic, will focus on teaching aspects of sexual performance, sensual massage and the psychology of sexuality. Most group workshops are for between four and ten people and, if the workshop includes massage practice, it will also include volunteers for the attendees to practice on. Group workshops can either be one-off single occasions or part of a series over a couple of weeks. All group workshops are designed to be relaxed and welcoming and, although the topics covered may involve nudity and arousal, they are not designed to be social mixer occasions but more about teaching and learning new skills. A group event, on the other hand, can be anything from a presentation or demonstration to a full blown party. They are primarily designed to be social occasions bringing together likeminded people to meet and explore the world of sensuality and sexuality. Drawing on my hospitality background, the events I organize bring together a combination of my skills as a twenty-year experienced hotelier and ten-year experienced masseur and sex mentor. Created as an alternative to the themed adult parties or large adult events that some people find a bit mechanical and intimidating, my events are created to let people explore their sexuality in a sophisticated elegant and sensual environment, where personal choice is respected but boundaries can be broad. Group events are usually from six to thirty in attendance, dependent on the type of event.
C.J. Asher – What are most of your clients looking for when they come to you for either massage or counseling sessions?
Colin – All are seeking a place that they can express, explore or remedy something sexual that they can’t do elsewhere. I have seen over 6,000 clients in ten years so the reasons are many and every client brings a different need, whether it’s the twenty eight year old who ejaculates in his pants even in a medical examination with a doctor or the wife of eighteen years who is still a virgin because her husband has such bad premature ejaculation he has never been able to penetrate her. Or the woman who has never had an orgasm or the married man with kids who is desperate to experience male to male sexual intimacy, but does not see himself as gay, or the couple who can’t have kids because her body keeps rejecting his sperm because, although she loves him, her unconscious knows he is a physically weak male.
C.J. Asher – How much do you charge for your services?
Colin – All of my prices can be found on my website, but the most popular are the 90 minute Premium Massage for Men for £175, the 90 minute Kama Sutra Massage for Women for £175, the three hour Psycho-sensual Treatment for £225 and the 90 minute Couples Voyeur Massage for £225.
C.J. Asher – Do anti-prostitution laws impact the types of services you provide?
Colin– In the UK, prostitution is not illegal but running a brothel is. So, on a one-to-one basis, I am completely legal, but I am still defined as giving sexual service (since it involves arousal although there is no legal definition of “sexual service”!), even though it provides a much needed remedial and educational environment. I see the need is more relevant for women than men since, if a female does not receive regular sexual stimulation, she can become emotionally and physiologically affected. Masturbation for men is an adequate release for lack of sex, but for women clitoral stimulation, while pleasurable, does not re-create the act of fucking. Vaginas need exercising and, for females, no matter how demure they may be publicly, the core sexual need is to be desired sexually and to feel that primal desire sexually. If the male partner is not able to provide this and she is unable to seek it elsewhere then she often will become overweight, emotionally unwell, or physically unwell. Once diagnosed as “hysteria” in Victorian times, I actually provide similar treatments as the Victorian doctors used to, such as masturbation to orgasm. The difference is that the females I see are not told that they are mentally ill, but that their feelings are normal, natural and understood. The treatment is not given with disdain, but is designed to be fulfilling, caring and stimulating.
C.J. Asher – Are love and sex always intertwined in the work you do or can they be separate?
Colin – For relationships to last, they must have a good basis of sexual and sensual intimacy between the two parties no matter what sexuality they are. Humans are not a naturally sexually monogamous species. When it comes to survival, we are in fact a pretty inadequate species and only because we have developed a highly evolved brain have we survived. Thus, we need to procreate at often as we can with as many different partners as we can. A female needs to have a choice of genetics when seeking a make, so the sexual relay race is how she is most sexually natural, hence why most women fantasize about the threesome or multiple-male encounter. She needs the best sperm and the best protector and these may not necessarily be the same male, so sex with multiple males means that, when the offspring is born, none of the males know who the father is but they all have a vested interest in keeping the child alive just in case it is theirs. So males need to fuck at every opportunity with whomever is offering and females need to fuck with a selection of males that she deems would make a good team of potential fathers, providers and protectors. Physical intimacy, on the other hand, is even more important, as being an insecure species it is the glue that binds us together. We respond to touch amazingly quickly, it relaxes us, energizes our immune system and bonds us into our nurturing units. I believe that it is not necessarily the search for satisfaction of orgasm that breaks up relationships, but more the need for physical intimacy and sensual arousal. To touch a person intimately in the most private and vulnerable places on the body and to be allowed to touch those parts means total acceptance and trust and this is what I believe is one of our most fundamental needs as humans. No touch = no trust = sense of rejection = fear of abandonment = anger = aggressive behavior to survive. So, in answer to your question, yes, sex can be had without love and love without sex, but what is important is that, when the sex is taking place itself that, at that moment, it is intimacy connecting trusting and fulfilling of both parties. If the sex goes from a relationship the physical intimacy does not need to go. I often teach men who have erection problems how to use sensual massage as a replacement to fucking their partners since, when this happens, it’s not the sex she is missing but the sexual intimacy… hands, fingers dlldos, etc. can all be adequate replacements cocks!
C.J. Asher – What types of clients, such as male, female, straight and gay, do you personally prefer performing massage services for?
Colin – I have no preference in the client’s gender or sexuality, it’s more about the attitude. Generally, I see men who are in professions that are people-focused and not goal-focused, so solicitors, human resources, trainers and hospitality guys are all good clients. They receive well and respect me as the therapist. Barristers, politicians, guys in the military, salesman and bankers I see rarely but, when I do, they are often quite predatory and have a lack of empathy for others so it can became a bit of a wrestling match!
As for women, to be honest, a women who responds well (such as with noise and movement) is very rewarding. Men fundamentally seek approval while women seek to be desired; basic primal drivers for sex and procreation to happen. If a women responds well, it makes me feel approved of and that I’m doing a good job. No response will cause me to be more cautious and less explorative. Every man knows that when a women makes appreciative noises and movements it turns him on. Sadly, I see many couples where the female is too scared to respond and the man is too nervous to take the initiative, so both end up being anxious and unfulfilled. I teach these people to change their dynamics: for her to be expressive and for him to be assertive.
C.J. Asher – What outside resources, such as sex clubs and fetish groups, do you recommend for those clients who want to experiment or try something new to spice up their sex lives?
Colin – Much depends on the client’s needs, but for couples I suggest sophisticated adult parties, tantric workshops, maybe the odd fetish club if appropriate. Often, it’s one member of the couples’ needs and not always the others. For single men exploring their sexuality, use some apps and web sites and likewise for single women such as Tinder and Blendr. Of course, I also recommend my sensual massage workshops.
C.J. Asher – What is the most rewarding aspect of your work?
Colin – To be able to help someone be who they want to be, to see my treatments release their insecurities and lack of self-esteem and to see the butterfly emerge from the chrysalis (at any age) to help them understand and fill any maternal or paternal emotional connection that has been underdeveloped, even missed, in the child that still yearns to be satisfied and completed.